“I speak Spanish to God, Italian to women, French to men, and German to my horse.” - Charles V, a man with a beard

After years and even decades of conformity to being clean-shaven either from society norms or regulations I am beginning to see that perhaps the lack of facial hair is reason for the lack of masculinity in the modern male, the downfall of empires and the root cause in failing to appreciate the acoustic tracks of Stone Temple Pilots discography. I do not know exactly when I came to this conclusion. Perhaps, it is when I noticed my facial hair turning gray or when I realized how the beard gives strength and a sense of otherworldly regalness to aging James Bond actors and that I want to preserve my male vitality as I began to feel the effects of middle age.

Historically, we find that beards are at the center of some of the greatest armies and upon shaving them off, their eventual decline. The 300 Spartans at Thermopylae in 480 BC are lost to history as is the Roman Empire after (supposedly) the barber took over the region arriving from Sicily into Rome in 300 BC. The British Empire’s decline mirrored the decision to restrict facial hair to moustaches. In the States, the Union Army failed to do more than drill in place under the absence of leadership from General McClellan and his risk averse moustache. The Union Army did not make it off the parade field until a bearded President replaced the shaven McClellan with a bearded general named Grant.

“…were the picture of real fighting men…They all had their long beards and were heavily laden with large knapsack.” - Queen Victoria, 13 March 1856

Facial hair was synonymous with regimental colors in Napoleonic times. One’s facial hair identified one’s affiliation and eliteness by the amount of facial hair one sported with the beard being preserved for the truly elite. Brigadier Gerard, while traversing the French countryside to deliver a message for Napoleon would know a fellow French Hussar by their manicured moustaches and would certainly not mistake a bearded Sapper for a lesser Grenadier. In today’s militaries the history of facial hair has long been forgotten as it has been over 100 years since the necessity of gas masks made the practicality of facial hair obsolete. Despite evidence today that facial hair is of minimal impact to gas masks, the belief that beards are uncouth and lacking in competence dominates the narrative - unfounded claims by men who fear their facial hair. The anti-beard argument is that service demands discipline, conformity and a willingness to subordinate oneself and thus a willingness to shave is a sign of readiness to make greater sacrifices. This is nonsensical, it tries to create causality when at best there is only correlation. Would you judge an airline pilot’s ability to maintain altitude in the flight from Detroit to Minneapolis based on how straight their tie is? The compentencies are not the same and the ability to shave or not shave has nothing to do with a willingness to follow policy or regulation.

The anti-beard crowd will also cite that beards are lacking in seriousness and detract from competent appearance. Such statements reak of bias, subjectively playing with words that lack universal meaning and are easily manipulated and contorted to whichever narrative desired…such as the word…professional. To focus on beards is to focus on the minutia. No different than citing canvas sneaker wearing employees as the root cause for missed deadlines and cost overruns. In truth, the only reason to force men to be clean-shaven is to establish submission to arbitrary rules as if channeling Louis XIV and his desire to wield control over his court of prima donna nobles. Tell me you are insecure without telling me.

Is a beard merely growth of hair on the chin and lower cheek or something more (Lindberg, Stevenson, 2010, 144)? To me, the beard is so much more than that simple definition - the beard is the acoustic album of masculinity. There is something raw and untamed about beards that symbolize the unfiltered masculinity that has been lost in a crowd of clean-shaven men wearing slim fit chinos and a sling bag (the artist formerly known as fanny pack, worn in a different location to cleverly disguise its Richard Simmons neon heritage). Beards personify all that is flannel, faded denim, rugged leather, hidden tracks wrapped in the scent of teakwood and your grandfather’s pipe.

Aaron Smith, "Pother", 2013 Aaron Smith’s “Pother”, 2013, oil-panel, 40”x30”; from his “Past the Pillars of Hercules” exhibit at Sloan Fine Art in New York, 26 Oct to 17 Nov, 2013

The beard has the quality of being in a superposition of both Victorian aristocratic ascots and anti-establishment grunge flannels. The wearing of the beard can be both liberating in its unpretentious and rugged appearance while harking to a time of gentlemen possessing manly strength, courage and dignity. Greek philosophers, such as Socrates were known for their beards, as if it conveyed vigor of mind. A beard will make any man with gray hair appear wise.

The beard conveyed a warrior’s strength and power on the battlefield and are synonymous with Vikings and mythological heroes. Several United States Presidents, the highest office of the western world, sported the beard - from Abraham Lincoln to James Garfield and even Harry Truman (while on vacation). Perhaps, Theodore Roosevelt would have been even more cool riding a moose if he had sported a beard.

Would Chuck Norris be the badass that he is, if he did not rock a beard? The astute reader will recall that a clean-shaven Chuck Norris means certain defeat, as when he faced Bruce Lee in The Way of the Dragon. They say under Chuck Norris’s beard there is not a chin - only another fist. Would Mr. T, from the A-Team, truly be Mr. T if he was clean shaven? Would the A-Team have been anything more than a MacGyver montage without Mr. T, his beard and that 80’s cool GMC Vandura? I think not.

Would Clint Eastwood be as bulletproof in the final duel at the end of A Fistful of Dollars without a beard? Hans Gruber was clearly the more sinister and competent villian compared to the clean-shaven continental Colonel Stuart. Beards are symbols of strength, virility and power. Consider, you are at your favorite bookseller looking for a book on leadership. There is a display of two different books profiling the leadership of Abraham Lincoln. The book on the left features a portrait of Lincoln without his beard and the book on the right a portrait of him with his signature beard. Which book do you buy?

Abraham LincolnWhich Lincoln on leadership book would you buy? The left or the right?

The portrait of Lincoln with a beard on the right exudes virility and confidence in contrast to the portrait on the left which implies sickly weakness - even though the bearded Lincoln’s bowtie is crooked…in a “I do what I want cause I have this awesome beard” way. Of course you would buy the book with the bearded Lincoln.

Returning to the anti-beard argument that the beard is about non-conforming, rebellious individuality and unsavory appearance. This could not be further from the truth, the beard is not about individuality or lack of conformity. First, this implies that we have too much individuality and too little conformity now. Prove it. This is a solution in search of a problem. Do we really want to live in a George Orwell novel of obedient conformity? Unsavory appearance, is all a matter of perspective. If beards are truly unsavory in appearance, then explain this beard or this beard or this beard - manly beards that they are.

Nor, is the beard lacking in seriousness nor is it synonymous with incompetence, cowardness or ill-discipline. The beard is mighty and masculine and perhaps rebellious only against a world full of clean-shaven men wearing skinny jeans. Would the Spartans have made such a valiant stand to the death against the Persians if Leonidas had the clean-shaven boyish face of an actor selling Bleu de Chanel perfume? Unlikely. If the beard is truly the tool of beatnik non-conformist that exude an air of superior individuality where sacrifice and discipline are thrown away - then centuries of beard-wearing fighting sailors that won decisively at the battles of Gravelines (1588), Trafalgar (1805), Lake Erie (1813), Lake Champlain (1814), Jutland (1916), Midway (1942) or Leyte Gulf (1944) are what exactly? The anti-beard argument lacks gravitas, just as a clean-shaven face lacks gravitas.

Perhaps, in the end, the anti-beard establishment are just men who lack an appreciation for acoustic tracks, flannel shirts and believe digital music tracks are superior to the warmth of analog vinyl records or feel the art of making a mix tape is meaningless in a world of convenient AI curated digital playlists. In a sense, the beard is the equivalent of the vinyl record - raw, unfiltered, loose in its production - listening to vinyl requires a human interaction with the medium - to unsheathe a record, place it on the turnstyle, drop the needle onto the grooved surface - just as a manly beard requires active participation and commitment. Beards are the acoustic tracks of the manly soul.

*Speaking of acoustic tracks.

*Speaking of beards, the most appropriate Yule Log is the bearded, flannel wearing Nick Offerman admiring a glass of Lagavulin by roaring fire.

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Lindberg, Christine, Stevenson, Angus, ed. 2010. The New Oxford American Dictionary, 3rd ed. New York: Oxford University Press.

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